A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it . . . she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling ‘I’ll be back in an hour!’”

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why…  

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can more…

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said “that must be a deep hole…let’s throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom.” The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed…they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said “naw, that can’t be my goat…he was chained to a railroad tie.”

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffie, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”

“Perfectly,” replied Buffie.

Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway car. One minute passed…three minutes pass…seven minutes pass… and Judy was really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came more…

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

Nine Words Women Use
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(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. more…

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting saused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened then? more…

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him,  ’My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’
  ‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies. ‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at  Wal-Mart.  Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 – A lot cheaper than a doctor.’ So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. more…