Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman:  Hi! Wanda..

2nd woman:  Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman:  I froze to death.

2nd woman:  How horrible!

1st woman:  It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:  Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

PRICELESS

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about
 the bond formed between a  little
 5-year-old girl and some construction workers
 that will make you believe
 that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
 gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant
 lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
 empty lot.
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The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
 interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
 observing the workers.
  Eventually the construction crew, all of them
 ’gems-in-the-rough,’ more or less, adopted her as a kind of project
 mascot..
�
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
 coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
 feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars.The little girl took this home to her mother
who suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’ she’d received to
the bank the next day to start a savings account.
�
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, ‘I worked last
week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us..’
�
‘Oh my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, ‘and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?’
�
The little girl replied, ‘I will, if those assholes at Lowe’s ever deliver the fuckin’ sheet rock…

Kind of brings a tear to the eye – doesn’t it?

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it . . . she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling ‘I’ll be back in an hour!’”

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why…  

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can more…

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said “that must be a deep hole…let’s throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom.” The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed…they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said “naw, that can’t be my goat…he was chained to a railroad tie.”

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffie, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”

“Perfectly,” replied Buffie.

Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway car. One minute passed…three minutes pass…seven minutes pass… and Judy was really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came more…

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.   more…

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”