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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman:  Hi! Wanda..

2nd woman:  Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman:  I froze to death.

2nd woman:  How horrible!

1st woman:  It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:  Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

PRICELESS

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

During a private “fly-in” fishing excursion in the Alaskan wilderness, the chartered pilot and fishermen left a cooler and bait in the plane.  

And a bear smelled it.  

This is what he did to the plane.

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Hello every one, I have a question from a reader that is not in my area of  expert.

someone Help me out :

Question:  Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren’t they just different forms of water?

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about
 the bond formed between a  little
 5-year-old girl and some construction workers
 that will make you believe
 that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
 gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant
 lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
 empty lot.
�
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
 interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
 observing the workers.
  Eventually the construction crew, all of them
 ’gems-in-the-rough,’ more or less, adopted her as a kind of project
 mascot..
�
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
 coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
 feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars.The little girl took this home to her mother
who suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’ she’d received to
the bank the next day to start a savings account.
�
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, ‘I worked last
week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us..’
�
‘Oh my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, ‘and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?’
�
The little girl replied, ‘I will, if those assholes at Lowe’s ever deliver the fuckin’ sheet rock…

Kind of brings a tear to the eye – doesn’t it?

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning

and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.

I said, “Morning.”

He said, “No, just taking a shit”.

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2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way,

so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

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3. My wife was in labour with our first child.

She was shouting, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs.”

She looked at me and said, “You did this to me you bastard!”

I casually replied, “If you would care to remember,

I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, “It’ll be too painful.”

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4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why, she said, “Because I am trying to examine you.”

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5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbour, Abdul,

standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

1. Measure a piece of wood two times and say the measurement out loud, this will help you remember.                      

2. When working with cement, wet the surface, this will make it stick much better.

3. Never set a ladder on loose gravel or a slippery surface or more than a 30% pitch.

4. When land scapeing always use a pitch so water runs away from the house.

5.When driving a nail, tap it lightly till it will stand by its self, move fingers and gradually hit harder as the nail gets deeper in the wood.

6. Shut the water and gas off at the source before any demo work.

7. Always call 1-800 Dig before you dig anything.

8. If you start something wrong-take the time to fixit or it will end up wrong, or hurt some body.

9. When cutting on a table saw-stand to the inside of the rip fence in case of kickback.

10. If you blow a breaker while cutting with a power tool, make sure you turn the tool off before resetting

     Breaker and give it a few minutes to cool off or it will kick again.

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it . . . she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling ‘I’ll be back in an hour!’”